500,000 GRAINS: ASSEMBLY PUTS A BOUNTY ON THE DRAIN
A unanimous vote, seconded by the Leader of the Opposition herself, and a new Minister of Security with a two-sentence acceptance speech.
By Assembly Desk, The Coop Times · 15 July 2026
The Coop Assembly has voted a standing bounty of 500,000 grains, drawn from the National Feed Budget, for information leading to the capture of the monitor lizard the Republic has taken to calling the Drain. The vote was unanimous. The Leader of the Opposition seconded the motion herself and declined to demand a recount, which those present described as the most unsettling moment of the session.
Pete Okpara was sworn in as Minister of Security four days after the attack. His acceptance speech, in its entirety: 'I know what the job is. Ask me again in a year.' He then left the chamber to walk the fence line, which observers noted was either a statement of intent or simply the time of day he does that.
The ministry has barred the drainage channel, closed the east fence gap, and instituted what is formally called the Bantu Protocol: every bird counted aloud, by name, at the door of every coop, every night. It was unpopular for three days. It is now the sound the Republic goes to sleep to.
Minister Okpara's weekly briefing to the Assembly has so far consisted of one sentence each week. 'It is still out there. That is the whole briefing.' Asked by Small Fẹ́mi from the public gallery whether that was the truth or a kindness, the Minister said it was the truth, and that the chick was right to ask.